There’s a terrible pandemic that’s been plaguing Melbourne’s nightlife. I know what you’re thinking. When are they going to get a hold on the bar fights, the girls taking their shirts off for free drinks and the absolutely exorbitant ‘price of vice’?
I’m here to tell you those are the least of our worries. What’s really wrong with Melbourne mainstream nightlife is their unhealthy obsession with “throwbacks.”
In the cultural capital of Australia, throwbacks aren’t just for Thursdays. Throwbacks are for Monday mornings, Wednesday evenings and Sunday nights. Throwbacks aren’t even throwbacks. Define a decade, a time! Anything!
They are overly played songs from the 00s and even 2010s that everyone and all the girls with crop tops and flannels tied around their waists decided were millennial “classics.” At first it’s fun (I’m not innocent in this. I enjoyed it when I first got here). At first that song reminds you of getting ready for school in 6th grade on a cold winter morning while you eat Reece’s peanut butter cup cereal.
Then, you hear the same 10 songs night after night, day after day… the songs loose their nostalgia provoking quality and an irrational annoyance starts to brew deep inside.
There’s nothing like too much of something to suck the life and meaning out of it (wish that was the same case for my dessert addiction. Sugar, you’re naughty!). That’s why people (=me) hate Top 40s songs. What once had any potential of being good is smashed on the ground like Andy Samburg throws cake when the same handful of songs are played on repeat for 9 hours while you make salads (not speaking from personal experience here, not in the least bit). Whoah, that’s a mouthful! A mouth full of complaining, that is.
(I’m considering emailing this new slogan to Victoria’s tourism office: “Melbourne: where it’s better to be an elitist hipster than loose any semblance of happy memories of all those songs you once loved.” Would love for you to write your thoughts about it in the comments section.)
If you’re dying to go out in Melbourne, you don’t even have to move from your seat to feel what it’s like. Just put these 10 songs on repeat for as many hours at a time as you’d like. Then, imagine the screams of the wasted bar patrons as “The Next Episode” beat drops.
You may hate me after you read the list. You may think “she’s off her rocker! These are great songs!” Think what you want. Then listen for 10 hours and let me know how you feel.
1- Ginuwine- Pony
2- Dr.Dre – The Next Episode
3- Usher- Yeah
4- Akon- Smack That
5- 50 Cent- In Da Club
6-Justin Timerlake – Like I Love You
7- Mary J. Blige – Family Affair
8- Shaggy – Wasn’t Me
9- 50 Cent- Candy Shop
10- Ludacris – Move Bitch